|
Below
are two examples of rewriting a paragraph.
Read through each example, both the original and the rewrite, and see
what you think. Are the rewritten
paragraphs worth the time for your reader? REWRITE EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL The biggest issue with stereotyping
today would be in the business world. Lets take hiring new employees as the main
problem. It may not always be race that is a deciding factor as much as
it is sex. Some jobs a woman may be hired over a man due to her nurturing
nature. On the other hand a man may be hired over a woman due to the
fact that he may be stronger. In some cases the sex of a person may be
the deciding factor on whether they even get a call. REWRITE Much of today’s
stereotyping takes place in the business world, particularly when hiring
employees. Surprisingly often, sex is
more of a deciding factor than race.
For some jobs women may be hired over men because they are seen as
nurturers; on the other hand, men may be preferred because of their physical
strength. REWRITE EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL The first thing Garland says that needs
to be fixed is making kids go to school who don’t want to be there in first
place so they make it hard for others to learn. What is the point of making
them go to school, it is their lives they are screwing up, they will be the
ones who regret their decisions later on in the future. These schools believe
the best way to make someone change their behavior and start going to school
is suspension, “Suspension from school for a few days doesn’t improve their
behaviors” they didn’t want to be at school in the first place (101). When
these troublemakers are forced to go to school, they become a distraction and
I know this firsthand how annoying this can be. Not only did I have to deal
with these troubles makers in my classes, my brother was one of them. He
didn’t want to be in school so he would skip, be rude to the teachers, or
just not do anything in class. All they do is make “teachers and fellow
students miserable” so what’s the point in keeping them in school (101). REWRITE
The
first thing Garland recommends is forcing those who don’t want to be in
school to attend anyway. First,
students who don’t want to attend are doing harm only to themselves rather
than others and will certainly regret their decision later. In addition, school authorities unknowing
assist these students by believing that a fitting punishment for their
non-attendance is suspension. However,
as Garland writes, “suspension from school for a few days doesn’t improve
their behavior” because these students do not want attend in the first place
(101). Even worse, when these students
are forced to attend, they often become annoying distractions in the
classroom. My brother was a good example of this: since he hated going to
school, he would skip classes, be rude to teachers, or refuse to do any sort
of school work. All he and other
students like him did was make learning more difficult for both the teacher
and the students who willingly attended. |